Everything is just falling apart…

I’m not a vocal person, so I prefer to write down my feelings on ink and paper, and then eventually type it on the internet.

This past week has been tough. I know I always talk about this issue, but it’s something that is constantly on my mind. 24/7

I’ve struggled with my weight all my life. I won’t go into details, instead go check out my other blog “I Have An Eating Disorder.”

Today I binged.

According to NEDA.

“Binge eating disorder is a severe, life-threatening and treatable eating disorder characterized by recurrent episodes of eating large quantities of food (often very quickly and to the point of discomfort); a feeling of a loss of control during the binge; experiencing shame, distress or guilt afterwards; and not regularly using unhealthy compensatory measures (e.g., purging) to counter the binge eating.”

I think part of the reason, and it seems to be a pattern, is because I’m constantly consuming sugary foods, without thinking.

For example,

Today I had:

  • 1 pint of ice cream
  • 30 chocolate almonds
  • 1 full bag of butter popcorn
  • Hotdog
  • 10 chocolate protein bars
  • Coconut ice cream bar

Sugar. Once I have it, I can’t seem to stop it.

Another reason is my anxiety. I get nervous/stressed, some people in my family think I’m not doing anything for myself, in terms of my future, but I promise you… I am! It’s hard finding a full-time job, especially with no experience whatsoever. I also don’t want to work just because of money. Money doesn’t buy happiness. At least not for me.

My heart wants to cry. My lungs want to scream. I feel disappointed in myself. I can’t believe I’m letting food manipulate me. It’s a constant struggle, because I always see or hear people making fun of the “overweight,” but if you’ve never had an eating disorder then who are you to judge? It’s not easy. If it were, then everyone would be skinny.

I feel embarrassed because I’m falling apart. Where did all my motivation go? Where is that Yoss that learned to love herself? I know she’s still there…

This is my journey. My story. My open heart.

Thank you,

Yoss

P.S I felt better after writing this.

Also, I promise to write 7 days from today.

Until then… “Don’t wait for tomorrow, what you can do today.”

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