Everything is just falling apart…

I’m not a vocal person, so I prefer to write down my feelings on ink and paper, and then eventually type it on the internet.

This past week has been tough. I know I always talk about this issue, but it’s something that is constantly on my mind. 24/7

I’ve struggled with my weight all my life. I won’t go into details, instead go check out my other blog “I Have An Eating Disorder.”

Today I binged.

According to NEDA.

“Binge eating disorder is a severe, life-threatening and treatable eating disorder characterized by recurrent episodes of eating large quantities of food (often very quickly and to the point of discomfort); a feeling of a loss of control during the binge; experiencing shame, distress or guilt afterwards; and not regularly using unhealthy compensatory measures (e.g., purging) to counter the binge eating.”

I think part of the reason, and it seems to be a pattern, is because I’m constantly consuming sugary foods, without thinking.

For example,

Today I had:

  • 1 pint of ice cream
  • 30 chocolate almonds
  • 1 full bag of butter popcorn
  • Hotdog
  • 10 chocolate protein bars
  • Coconut ice cream bar

Sugar. Once I have it, I can’t seem to stop it.

Another reason is my anxiety. I get nervous/stressed, some people in my family think I’m not doing anything for myself, in terms of my future, but I promise you… I am! It’s hard finding a full-time job, especially with no experience whatsoever. I also don’t want to work just because of money. Money doesn’t buy happiness. At least not for me.

My heart wants to cry. My lungs want to scream. I feel disappointed in myself. I can’t believe I’m letting food manipulate me. It’s a constant struggle, because I always see or hear people making fun of the “overweight,” but if you’ve never had an eating disorder then who are you to judge? It’s not easy. If it were, then everyone would be skinny.

I feel embarrassed because I’m falling apart. Where did all my motivation go? Where is that Yoss that learned to love herself? I know she’s still there…

This is my journey. My story. My open heart.

Thank you,

Yoss

P.S I felt better after writing this.

Also, I promise to write 7 days from today.

Until then… “Don’t wait for tomorrow, what you can do today.”

“Paciencia, pequeña saltamontes…”

elena

Érase una vez, una princesa llamada Alejandra.

Su pelo era largo y negro.

Y su sonrisa, siempre hacia que la gente del pueblo se sintiera con confianza.

Con solo verla te dabas cuenta que todo saldría bien.

Ella vivía arriba de una montaña, en un enorme castillo.

Y un día, decidió bajar para jugar en el rio.

De repente, escucho un ruido.

“Cri, cri” decía el sonido.

Ella se asustó.

De inmediatamente miró a su alrededor.

Para su sorpresa miro a un saltamontes sollozando debajo de un árbol.

Y le pregunto: “¿Estás bien?, ¿Necesitas ayuda?”

Pero la saltamontes no respondió.

Alejandra se acercó y le susurró “Por favor no llores, aquí estoy yo, y no me iré hasta no verte feliz”.

Entonces la saltamontes levanto la cabeza y la miró.

Las lágrimas poco a poco le dejaron de escurrir.

Y sin decir una palabra, se le trepo y la abrazo.

Alejandra sonrió.

“Tengo miedo” le contestó.

“¿Miedo, pero por qué? Mira a tu alrededor, ¿escuchas eso? … Es el río, los pájaros y el viento que fluyen a tu alrededor”.

La saltamontes se quedó pensando.

Y después de un rato le dijo: “Sí, pero no tengo miedo de eso… tengo miedo de no poder decirle a mi mamá que me corrieron de mi trabajo y que piense que soy un fracaso”.

“¿Que acaso no has ido a buscar otro trabajo?”

“Sí, todos los días me levanto y…”

Alejandra la interrumpió. Y de nuevo le sonrió.

“Paciencia, pequeña saltamontes. Las cosas buenas les llegan a aquellos que saben esperar”.

En ese momento, la saltamontes supo que no se podía rendir, algún día alguien la tendría que contratar.

“¿Haber cuéntame qué sabes hacer?” le preguntó Alejandra.

“Hablo 5 idiomas, soy buena para contar historias y no me da pena hablar en público” le afirmó.

“¡Mira que curioso!, justamente mi mamá está contratando a una maestra para que enseñe en nuestro castillo” exclamo Alejandra emocionada…

Y fue así como la saltamontes empezó a dar clases en el castillo de Alejandra.

 

La moraleja de la historia es que a veces las cosas pasan en el momento menos inesperado. Lo importante es seguir adelante y no dejar de luchar por nuestro sueños… Uno nunca sabe quien nos esta observando.

 

PD: Gracias Alejandra, por tus consejos por escucharme y por ser parte de mi familia. Sobre todo, por inspirarme a escribir esta pequeña historia…

Finding Peace

So I have to tell you a story about a guy named “G,” who I met while I was in Mexico.

The first time I saw him, I thought he was charming and angelic.                                           (I know it sounds weird, but please bear with me.)

He eventually asked for my number.

(Because he wanted to practice his English)

I swear I almost turned red, or maybe I did and didn’t notice. Oops!

[In order to not make this story long, I will cut straight to the chase.]

We have kept in touch through WhatsApp. (If you don’t know what that is, it’s a texting app, very popular outside the US.)

Every once in a while, we will have a conversation about language, which includes: vocabulary, sentence structure and slang. However, there are times where I wish we could talk about other things like: life, culture and music. But we are not at that level yet. And I’m not sure we will ever be. (To be honest I might not even see him again).

Anyhow, I love helping people and I would never deny my help to anyone, especially “G” because he seems like a nice guy.

So with that being said…

I met him on Wednesday, June 21st 2017 at my cousins school. And right from the beginning, when we started talking, I felt something…

I can’t describe what I felt, because it would sound weird and different, but I knew at that very moment that:

  1. A smile is the best gift anyone can give you.
  2. Being humble is the best thing to pass on to others.
  3. That you must love yourself no matter what.

So “G” if you are reading this I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart, for being “YOU” and making me smile.

And well… I always look forward to your texts.

Why? (you may ask)

Well there is something about you. I have no idea what it is, but I want you to know that I wish you nothing but the best. Danke.

“Sometimes people come into your life for a moment, a day, or a lifetime. It matters not the time they spent with you but how they impacted your life in that time.”

One More Thing…

I’ve always wanted to be an author.

(Oh god! my stomach is grumbling. No wait, that was my bottom. Oops!)

And I’ve always liked comedy.

(I did not know B. J Novak had written a children’s book. In-te-res-ting.)

One time. Long time ago, in a land far away. Actually, it might have been 6 years ago.

I wrote a novel called “Siamara Journey to a New World.”

(My inspiration came from Harry Potter and The Chronicles of Narnia.)

However, I thought I could TRUST COMPUTERS☹

(I didn’t save my story, so when my computer decided to get drunk… well it destroyed it.)

“Siamara Journey to a New World” vanished, like farts. You know? You feel them. You smell them, but you just don’t see them.

(Did I make sense? Probably not.)

Even though I remember the plot and the characters. I don’t think Science Fiction is for me.

I’m more of a Non-Fiction but with comedy or a Fiction with… um, well… comedy.

(So back to the beginning.)

I’ve always wanted to be an author. Will I become one. Someday, or maybe I already am. (GASP)

Until then I will continue writing on WordPress and printing out my work, in case somebody wants to hire me.

My unusual writing habits.

IMG_1612.JPG

Yesterday, someone noticed my unusual writing style. I guess you never really think about the way you write,until someone tells you.

Since I have a really short attention span (I’m not kidding), I can’t imagine reading paragraphs and paragraphs of endless nonsense.

Ok, ok. I’m not making any sense.

Can you please write in English? (Yep, that’s my inner voice talking).

Here’s a list of the reasons WHY I write like this:

1. I feel it’s easier to read sentences than paragraphs.
2. Have you seen how journalist write? (Scribble, scribble) Actually, it depends what and who you’re reading… mmmmm.
3. I’m unique.
4. If I’m in a good mood I’ll translate my article(s). And I need that space to think.
5. Finally… well… I really can’t come up with a 5th reason, can I?

(Also in case you’re wondering, I’m writing this at 6:57am while I’m eating breakfast. Yes, I always document everything.)

So in conclusion, all I can say is… I hope this made sense, if not, then I don’t know what will. Ok, to be honest, I’m still half a wake and half asleep.

Mean while you can catch me on YouTube. I upload videos twice a month. Though I wish it was more often…

– Yoss (jaws)

Once upon a time in a dream.

IMG_1609As I’m looking up at the ceiling, I imagine the dark blue sky and bright yellow stars shining down on me. I am no longer laying in my bed, but rocking gently on a boat in an unknown ocean. Look! Is that what I think it is? It’s a dolphin smiling at me…

Then I see it come near me… its body warm and heavy. And it suddenly begins to speak to me: “wake up!” It says.

All the sudden I find myself waking up, to my mom shaking me and telling me: “Yoss you’re going to be late again!”

I think to myself: ” I can’t wait to come back home and fall asleep. See you in my dreams blue dolphin!”

Otra señal…

yoantes

10 de julio del 2017

Estoy escuchando “Perfect” de Ed Sheeran y “Didn’t You Love Anything” de Craig Armstrong, de la película “Yo antes de ti”.

El título del artículo es exactamente lo que parece: otra señal.

Y pues bueno como a mí me gusta documentar todo…

El 4 de julio del 2017 a las 11:17pm “G” y yo hablamos por FaceTime, porque necesitaba ayuda con su examen de inglés.

Pero en una de nuestras conversaciones me dijo algo que me saco un poco de onda… su segundo nombre era Ángel

(No sé si leíste el artículo anterior titulado “Una Paz Interior”, había escrito:

 “G” si estas leyendo esto, gracias por ser un ángel”.)  

Más aparte cuando apenas nos habíamos conocido, le había mandado un mensaje que decía:

“Tienes carisma, no sé cómo explicarlo, pero tienes ángel…”

 Quizá sea una señal…

O tal vez este viendo cosas que no son.

Pero de una cosa si estoy segura: me siento feliz, plena y sobre todo contenta de vivir, de tener la posibilidad de respirar, caminar, hablar, de tener un techo, comida, ropa. Aun cuando a veces me quejo porque no puedo encontrar trabajo o porque no puedo viajar por todo el mundo (como me gustaría).

Sé que soy afortunada de tener lo que tengo. Y que tengo las herramientas necesarias para construir mi destino.

Y por nada del mundo lo cambiaría…

Por nada.

(Todo lo que escribo aquí es porque me sale del corazón, y tengo una necesidad profunda de comunicar mis sentimientos. Sobre todo a ti mi querido lector.)

Sé que estoy aquí en la faz de la tierra con un propósito.

No sé cuál sea. Pero mientras tanto no voy a dejar de fomentar la paz, el amor y la harmonía.

No dejare de ser humilde…

Aun cuando haya gente negativa en este mundo… siempre mirare el lado positivo de las personas. Por alguna razón se cruzaron en mi camino… para bien o para mal. Tal vez para aprender una lección o para alimentar mi corazón.

Ayer por primera vez mire la película “Yo antes de ti”.

(y eso que la escogí al azar… o tal vez ella me escogió a mí.)

Te recomiendo que la veas. Tu corazón no va a parar de latir, sentirás emociones inexplicables y serás una víctima más del verdadero amor.

Amor… pero no solamente la de una pareja, sino amor por la vida, de tener ganas de vivir y ser feliz.

“No sabía que la música era capaz de abrir puertas dentro de uno mismo, de transportarte a un lugar que ni el compositor habría previsto”.

-Jojo Moyes